This has been another summer of grinding through thoughts and feelings. I do my best to share with friends and my spouse, but I honestly forget. Reaching out to stop reaching in. I hear daily from CH, “what are you thinking? Where are you?”
We are done. We are done trying to have another baby. It didn’t work out. Yes, we tried all of the options available to us that would potentially work. They didn’t. And we are done. Just, done.
My perfect family. The three of us. Maybe one day, via adoption or foster care, there will be more, but that is on hold as CH and I take a breath to just breathe. Enjoy the summer. Enjoy our daughter. Enjoy each other.
Those 18 boxes of baby clothes and toys in the basement? They’ve been haunting me for more than two years. And now, after The Decision, they will be sold and given away. That constant reminder of what wasn’t happening will slowly be dismantled over the next few months, leaving… what? That hole that won’t seem to go away. That emptiness.
My best friend was in town last month and we spent a perfect day together. As she accompanied me to pick up even more fertility drugs that didn’t work, she told me something I replay in my head endlessly:
what you have is what so many people wish and dream for.
She’s right. With a husband and a healthy (knock on wood) daughter, I have what people pine for. And I am happy. I just need to learn to mend that part of my heart that longed for so long. I can be happy and sad at the same time – we just don’t have words for it in English.
My dear friend NVC also said something to me I bat in my brain in equal rotations from the comment above:
You need to live your life.
So simple, but in the mix of timings and complications and distractions, in many ways I was missing the living life while trying to make another one.
I can’t predict the future, but I think I will always be sad about this. Please, let me be sad about this.