Everyone recommends Sophie – the moms at the moms group, friends on Facebook, Mothering Magazine and even a male friend that recently became a dad inquired, “do you have Sophie yet?” Apparently green parents, progressive parents, attachment theory parents, parents against too much baby consumerism and all other groups of good parents swear by this toy.

The World-Saving Sophie.

If you haven’t heard of Sophie yet, she is the perfect toy. She is made of all natural ingredients, free of everything bad, even things that have only been known to cause harm in the state of California. She is hand painted with the world’s safest baby food paint by fair trade workers who are part of a work cooperative, a labor union, and have a micro-loan program. Parents concerned about BPA, lead, or unfair labor practices can buy her worry-free.

But the real reason you should buy Sophie is because she is perfect for all aspects of your little babe’s development. She is the best toy for teething and grabbing. Her colors are best for your baby’s eyes and her squeak will make your baby learn cause and effect and other scientific principles before the age of 6 months. Further, the good parents have told me Sophie is perfect for healthy social and emotional skills development not to mention fine motor, gross motor, and your baby’s spiritual needs. Without Sophie my baby may not meet developmental milestones, may suffer stress disorders and will definitely fail kindergarten.

When I was pregnant I had a lot of ideas and even some ideals – cloth diapering, homemade wipes, organic cotton clothes, co-sleeping, no pacifiers and that I couldn’t wait to get Sophie. Turns out I hate doing laundry, homemade wipes aren’t that economical, organic cotton clothes are expensive, my adorable baby snores like an old man and I can’t get enough of the pacifier. I am not the mom I planned to be.

As far as I can tell, despite all the advice to the contrary, Sophie is a $22 rubber squeaky toy and I am not buying one.

– ACK